Experiencing my 3rd pregnancy loss..
It is so weird to write this from a current peaceful state of mind. Just when yesterday we started suspecting something might be wrong, and we got to confirm it this morning; no heartbeat to be found anymore.
At the moment, I felt very angry with the whole situation, It made me angry to feel like life has failed us again, my husband was so positive and happy expecting the best out of this pregnancy, so I felt so bad seeing him sad and disappointed while he was taking care of me and my feelings first and foremost.
A year ago we had our first pregnancy and with all the excitement and nervousness we got the bad news at week 11 that our fetus hadn’t grown after week 8. (you can read all about it here) We decided to wait for some time before trying again, we felt the need to heal and to plan.
Then, 4 months ago we got pregnant again but the pregnancy lasted for just 1 week. After 1 day of period delay I felt weird so I took all the pregnancy tests, turned positive and 2 days later I got “my period”. I even remember asking my gynecologist, very hopeful, if It could’ve been a “false positive”, to what he answered: “no, it is very difficult to get a false positive, what happened is that you got an egg fertilized and it just didn’t implanted so your body flushed it as a normal period, this happens 50% of the times and women don’t even notice most of the times, they just think it is a normal period delay”. The whole thing made me feel so sad and frustrated. I cried for a day and moved on. Knowing and feeling that everything is fine and we will get babies at some point.
1 month later without even trying we got pregnant again, it was so wonderful, even when of course I was a bit nervous trying not to “celebrate” beforehand, we were just so happy, my husband was so happy and confident it would all work out this time perfectly.
So it all went well, I got to my first doctor’s screening and finally saw a normal healthy heartbeat!! it was sooo amazing and so relieving!! Then the next appointment came and here we are, I got in there feeling ready to receive any news, and It was bad news, no heartbeat to be found, no movement, no anything. This time I could clearly see somehow the shape of the baby and where the heartbeat was supposed to be seen, but there was nothing, again I asked the doctor: “there is no heartbeat?” he stay silent and kept looking trying to catch anything, until he said: “you are right, Im just trying to confirm there is no heartbeat to be found.”
I feel even guilty to admit that this time I felt no need to cry, but only to comfort my husband (who was at the same time trying to comfort me).
I felt a weird sense of peace and even when we went through all the bad possibilities for “recurrent pregnancy loss” causes and the tests we will need to take with the doctor, I felt like I had cried already all there was to be cried for this with the previous two pregnancies, so I felt sad but in a weird state of peace, comforted by our loved ones we are hopeful that we will get to be parents soon enough.
There are 3 reasons why I think it is important for this experiences to be shared:
1. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, if you have gone through an experience like this, you are not alone, there are millions of women experiencing it on their own looking for answers to their fears and questions. And the pain and sadness you are feeling is 100% justified, I need you to know that and if you know someone going through this I need you to just support even if you don’t feel like you understand their pain just love and support her.
I thank the internet for letting me learn from so many women around the world willing to share their experience of loss and pain management, that made me feel understood supported and hopeful when I saw so many stories of women having multiple losses but finally getting a baby in their arms.
2. ABORTION, is an important matter to discuss openly, specially now with so many crazy people having an opinion and wanting to control women, specially the current situation where white man in power are taking decisions for women, punishing them for something men will never get to experience or understand.
And for all women judging women going through an abortion for whatever the reason is; either natural miscarriage or a woman’s decision on her own life and body, take a step back and understand how difficult this whole terrible experience is, so if you are as “pro-life” as you claim to be, support those women alive trying to take the best decisions for themselves, support their autonomy and their freedom on their own bodies and lives. As a woman who has gone through 3 miscarriages I can only support any other woman going through this process for whatever the reason is.
3. It is THERAPEUTIC, writing it down, and sharing it with everyone makes me feel better, more aware of what we are going through as a family (my husband and I), and more comfortable to face people when they ask “how is your pregnancy going?”. This is my venting tool and I enjoy being able to use it. So if you have gotten to read all the way until here, thank you for ‘listening’ to my therapeutic post. And if you have gone through some similar loss I strongly recommend you to write it down (maybe even share it), and reach out to people who love you for support and care.
And last but not least, to all women happily experiencing their pregnancy with no problems and complications, and happily welcoming children to the world: please don’t ever feel guilty of sharing your happiness! I celebrate you! and I celebrate every child being born into a loving family. I truly have no bad or sad feelings when hearing or seeing a happy mom! So enjoy yourself without tip-toeing around me. I’m happy to celebrate you, your pregnancy and your child!
Hope this message helps you either not feel alone or understand better women going through this grieving process.
And I want to thank everyone of you who has been so loving and supportive every step of the way, I cannot explain how it makes me feel (that is what actually made me cry in a good way, all the loving supportive messages I got) so, thank you!